Eden Havel | Head Editor
April 1, 2023
If you’re a teenager in Southern California, you know this feeling:
The humidity of sweat and energy overwhelms you. The cute outfit you chose, the hair you did extra carefully, the makeup you put on, all of it is trampled. Heavy feet crush yours, you find yourself kicked, pushed, poked, elbowed, electrified by the energy of those around you. You are jolted back by the sudden movements of the crowd, shouting a loud “sorry!!!” to the people behind you…
If you hate this feeling, you probably are one of the people standing outside of the mosh pit. But if you love this feeling, you stay inside. If you choose to embrace it—the pain, the sweatiness, the shirtless back pressed against your face—studies have proven that you are 73% more likely to find your soulmate in this mosh pit*.
How could this be?
Many people have climbed on the saddle of the dating world. Making online dating accounts, walking up to the cute guy across the room and saying hi, anxiously awaiting a text from the number of a friend of a friend. But very few people go into dating at full force, with full energy, and full exciting authenticity. It usually takes a date or twenty to show someone this side of yourself. However, in the mosh pit, this raw humanity is instantly apparent. And with your guard down, jumping and bumping into people around you, it’s almost impossible not to meet someone.
The wonderful thing about a mosh pit: you’ve already skipped multiple steps within your first encounter. You’re already seeing the sweaty, slap-happy, energetic yet exhausted, possibly shirtless, voiceless person. If you’re attracted to that, then every step afterward is smooth sailing. And here’s the thing: most people are attracted to that. The whole point of dating is to get to that. To see the real side of that person, rather than the perfect facade they’ve crafted.
Experts suggest that the nature of the mosh pit itself resembles many other romantic activities that may be incredibly compelling to a large group of hormonal high schoolers. When put to the experiment, nearly 90% of students have reported being asked for their number, Instagram, or Snapchat by someone else in this mosh pit.
But dating aside—how could you possibly suggest that the stranger in the pit with you is your soulmate?
Pantheism is a philosophy that believes that all energy on Earth is connected. This is the idea that, at the end of the day, all humanity, all living creatures are at one with the earth and Universe on an equal plane. The idea of soulmates is simply the idea that your energy and those you’re meant to align with will always find you since energy is neither created nor destroyed. Thus, in a mosh pit when energy is placed on full wavelength, it is nearly impossible not to feel the almost inexplicable “sparks” from another in the group.
On top of that, many surveys have proven that 44% of men and 62% of women between the ages of 16 and 26 go into these wild scenes secretly hoping to find a date. “I don’t actually think I’m gonna find someone in the mosh pit,” says sophomore Ashlyn Jonas. “But I admit that I do keep my eyes peeled just in case.”
“It’s wild in there,” said senior Jordan Lindner. “I usually get pretty hype in the mosh pit, not gonna lie, but it’s kinda a good way to meet people. You see a lot of people from school in there and everybody’s just vibing to the music. Usually, if someone’s in the mosh pit, they’re pretty chill.”
If you’re looking to end 2023 with a potential mate, end the debate—research suggests that the mosh pit is the best place! So next time you go to that party, do keep your eyes peeled and your energy on blast. It’s likely that your future husband or wife is hidden in the mass.
*This article is satire for our April Fool’s edition and is meant for entertainment only.
Leave a Reply