Kyla Brown | Head Editor
April 1, 2023
The woke mob barricaded Aaron Rodgers inside his Malibu home on Monday, March 20, reports claim*. The 39-year-old NFL quarterback was seen frantically running through the mansion, angry mobsters hoisting pitchforks and torches above their heads heard yelling “cancel him!” in his driveway. In a dramatic turn of events, the athlete was caught throwing his MVP trophies at the mob from the top story of his home, and two members of the woke mob have been hospitalized for their injuries.
Animosity between Rodgers and the woke mob began in November 2021 with the revelation of Rodgers’ refusal to get the NFL-endorsed Covid-19 vaccine. He cited an ingredient allergy as the reason he abstained from the shot. Earlier that year, he had misled reporters by saying he was “immunized” when, in reality, he had not been vaccinated. Obviously, the woke mob knew this lie and blatant disregard for public safety could not go unpunished.
When his twisted version of the truth came to light, Rodgers went on a radio show to express his immense fear of the woke mob, horrified at the thought of being canceled. His fears have become a reality almost a year and a half later as the woke mob enters its second week of protests outside his home.
When asked why he refused the vaccine, Rodgers said that he, like MLK, has “a moral obligation to object to unjust rules and rules that make no sense.” The two figures are obviously connected through the oppression they have faced and the obstacles to justice they have both been forced to endure.
“We know that justice takes time, but we won’t stop until he’s canceled for good,” a leading member of the woke mob stated. Over three hundred members of the mob have been gathered at Rodgers’ residence since the protests began.
Rodgers’ new friend Joe Rogan said “The whole situation is ridiculous. I’ve been warning people about the woke mob for years. When will radical leftists stop? When will it be enough? People need to wake up and recognize the threat of the woke mob.”
It appears that, as Rodgers feared, the final nail has been put in his cancel culture casket. Will he be able to hail mary himself out of the crosshairs of the woke mob? Only time will tell.
*This article is satire for our April Fool’s edition and is meant for entertainment only.
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