Mia Derouchey | Writer
April 1st, 2023
Andrew Tate has recently been denied bail by the Romanian court and will remain behind bars despite powerful objections by fraternity members across the United States.
Andrew Tate has been a powerful media personality for years, and many parents look to him as a role model for their young sons*. Who wouldn’t want their son to turn out like the Bugatti-driving, cigar-smoking kickboxer?
The self-help guru urges young men to be successful, consistently telling them that “there is a reason every millionaire wants to be a billionaire.” Of course, he levels the playing field by simultaneously stating that “money is not real!”
But what truly drove Andrew to fame? His thoughts on women. His progressive view is refreshing for a man, and encouraging to young girls that there are, in fact, ‘good guys’ left in the world. He teaches women that their role to men is important: “You can ask billionaires whether they’re having a good day or a bad day, and a lot of that will come down to not just the business but their relationship with their woman at the time.”
What a shame there aren’t more people like him in the world.
Many fraternity brothers across the country have banded together in an effort to free Tate from his Romanian jail cell, using the #freeTopG on Twitter. The hashtag has thousands of reposts, as many alarming news stories lately have been about the incarcerated Tate brothers. “He’s a great guy,” says Gavin Tuomi, a senior at SCHS. We are certainly all hoping to see Tate freed soon.
Andrew has also been writing heart-wrenching poems from his place in prison, the most tragic of which reads:
“Each night I dream of freedom
And then I open my eyes
And I’m in the same familiar jail cell.
I take a few minutes to swallow my disappointment
And begin my morning push-ups.
Maybe tomorrow,
I’ll wake up somewhere else.
I have not lost hope.”
Tate is undoubtedly using his time to develop his writing and will surely emerge from this trial with a profound perspective on prison life- and perhaps a book deal. Is this the launch of a literary career? In any case, his work will surely be featured in the 2043 history books.
Andrew Tate is one of the most valuable members of our society, and we can only hope to have him back in America soon. The sex trafficking charges must be dropped- a man who owns a Bugatti would clearly never do such a thing.
*This article is satire for our April Fool’s edition and is meant for entertainment only.
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