Breaking News: City council solves coastal erosion

OUR BEACHES are disappearing! ocregister

Sophie Rapeepat | Writer

April 1, 2023

The town of San Clemente is famous for its prime location. With sunny skies and beautiful beaches, people flock from all over just to surf the waves of this California paradise. However, the swarms of beach-goers have grown out of control over the last few years, and the coastline is not what it used to be.

Effective immediately, the San Clemente City Council has implemented a strict ban on surfing within city limits. This unanimous decision was made in a desperate attempt to reduce coastal erosion*.

Sand experts report that the paddling and kicking of surfers have exponentially increased the size and frequency of waves, which have had a detrimental effect on the health of the coastline. To make matters worse, bodily fluids such as sweat and saliva have increased the molecular acidity of the water, and therefore sand particles are being dissolved at uncontrollable rates. 

Mr. Rasor, an esteemed AP Environmental teacher, is strongly in support of the ban as a way to increase environmental conservation efforts. According to his recent studies, “shredding the gnar is a contributing factor to coastal erosion.” He explains how one cause is that “when the gnar is shredded, it causes a resonant frequency wave to propagate to the sea floor which loosens sediments to be taken out to sea by rip currents.”

EVIL SURFERS destroy the environment

Surfing, however, is not the only hobby to be banned. Exciting beach activities such as metal detecting, building sand castles, hunting for sea glass, and tanning have officially been deemed “dangerous” to the environment and an “existential threat to our daily lives.” It’s important that we take this threat very seriously and allow beaches time to grow more sand and replenish the coast.

San Clemente is a town full of beach addicts; obviously, there has been extreme outrage from the surf community. Tess Clark, a sophomore at San Clemente High School, feels especially passionate about the ban. When questioned about her opinion on the matter, she replied vehemently, “As an avid surfer, the ocean is a staple to my well-being, dude. I am a nobody without it.”

Thousands of San Clementeans agree with Tess, but luckily there are ways to contribute to speeding up the process of coastal restoration. Here is a list put together by the council:

  1. Bring rocks from your backyard to help grow more sand on the beaches.
  2. Donate money to the initiative of replacing beach sand with concrete.
  3. Support the building of an artificial surfing reef to block waves. 
  4. Help build and install giant fans to push back waves and keep sand from blowing away.
  5. Find a new hobby like whale watching!

Being the first city to ban surfing will put San Clemente on the map for taking initiative against coastal erosion. We are so lucky that our city leaders know exactly what steps to take in order to keep the people and beaches both happy and healthy!

*This article is satire for our April Fool’s edition and is meant for entertainment only.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.