SCHS staff plan to key cars parked in the main lot without a parking pass

Procter Adriana taking action against an unauthorized vehicle. Avery Kearl

Avery Kearl | Writer

April 1, 2023

The school parking system is based on seniority: Seniors are guaranteed a parking pass, Juniors enter a raffle and those without luck are forced to park on the upper campus along with the just-licensed sophomores. This system seems like a foolproof plan, right?

The walk down from the upper is long and steep, making the walk back up even more tedious. This can be blamed as the main reason why students who are unable to receive a pass, park in the main parking lot. 

At first, in order to sway the students away from this rebellious act, staff would leave warnings on unpermitted

An iconic duo was spotted protecting the school. Avery Kearl


cars parked in the main lot. When this gentle reminder stopped working, the school turned to take legal action by then leaving $43 tickets on cars that revolted against these warnings. 

An anonymous source claims, “I’ve gotten 3 tickets over the past year and still park in the main lot. It’s about the same price as a parking ticket so it could be worse.”

The proctors have not taken these criminal acts lightly and plan to destroy unauthorized vehicles. These golf cart riding menaces started keying cars instead of the ineffective warning and tickets. It’s rumored that they won’t just stop with keys so be warned: unless you want a bat taken to your car, park on the upper campus!

Who knows how far they’ll go, as they are the ones in charge. Will it stop with keys and bats or continue down a dark path that leads to war? 

Sophomore, Phoebe Demoss threatened, “If the proctors do anything to my car they better watch out for their golf carts.”

For students who park in the main lot without a pass, it’s imperative that all repercussions are considered. Is not hiking “the freshman hill” to the upper campus worth the cost? Unless you want a totaled car, it would seem that it’s not. 

 

*This article is satire for our April Fool’s edition and is meant for entertainment only.

6 Comments on SCHS staff plan to key cars parked in the main lot without a parking pass

  1. I don’t understand the kids today that don’t want to follow rules or policies. They think they are entitled to whatever they want. Just follow the rules or policies!!!

    I don’t think you should destroy the vehicles. I would just give a warning the vehicles will start being towed as if such date if they are parked in the wrong area and parents notified! No other warnings given. That way they will have to pay to get it out of impound. And if they do it again, they will not be able to park on school property ever again while they are attending school there and parents will be notified also.

    Upper class students have earned the right for that privilege. Under class students will get that privilege soon. Wait your turn! Have respect. And don’t think you are entitled to anything.

  2. Start towing a few cars and see how quickly this problem will stop. By keying cars is ridiculous and illegal! We need a few squad cars roaming the area. And for goodness sake, is walking up a hill that bad? Wouldn’t this promote exercise for the most obese state?

  3. I don’t see how they can vandalize someone else’s vehicle without being sued. I agree the students need to follow the rules and policies that are put in place. I know there has to be another option of discipline besides vandalism. Everyone should be working together not against each other!!!

  4. Whether this is an April Fool joke or not I would expect a more rational solution. HOW ABOUT POSTING A SIGN – YOUR CAR WILL BE TOWED TODAY…..AND RECOVERY CHARGES ARE OWNERSHIP RESPONSIBILITY “YOU WERE WARNED “

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